By Shirah Bell, Director of Everyday Holiness Program

A student studying the trait of equanimity (menuchat ha’nefesh) recently wrote to me, asking, “…the example given for equanimity, of a person surfing, was profound. I felt that I really "got it" with that example. But making a change in my "balance" is another story. Suggestions?”

Equanimity, or rest of the soul, is a prized middah in Mussar. Alan likens it to surfing, staying upright and balanced even as the waves are rising and falling. He also notes that Rabbi Israel Salanter, on the other hand, said, “As long as one lives a life of calmness and tranquility in the service of God, it is clear that he is remote from true service.” Equanimity is good? Equanimity is bad? What’s going on?

In constructing my answer here, I want to suggest a general approach for working on middot that we are baffled by, or that persist despite our best efforts, using equanimity as the example. The approach has five parts:

1. Consider situations or areas of life where you are frequently off balance.
2. Choose one situation that is particularly troubling to you (e.g. where and when do you “lose it” the most, or would most dearly rather not “lose it”?)
3. Explore what happens to you and what emotions/ reactions come up. Allow yourself to re-experience an example of such a scene and observe yourself in it.
4. Ask yourself, “In those situations, what middah or middot are likely to be throwing me off balance, which underlie my loss of equanimity?”
5. Go to work on one of the middot that you discover may be underlying your loss of equanimity (and note, not on equanimity itself), and observe what happens to your understanding of equanimity. If the imbalance persists, reconsider what middah is lying underneath your experience.

Here’s an example:

My husband comes home and tells me he forgot to pay the credit card bill. I fall off the surfboard, head first into the waves. Equanimity is gone. I remind myself to be calm and restrain myself from saying the first thing that comes to mind. However, that’s just a temporary fix. I can’t regain the equanimity. I observe myself feeling very angry. 

It’s here I can make my first stop: I take a look at anger (ka’as). I explore that, reminding myself that humility (anavah) is often the antidote to anger. But, it doesn’t quite fit for me. I ask myself, “How come I get so angry about THAT?” After meditation and reflection, I realize that underneath the anger is fear. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to count on him, not just for paying the credit card, but for other things as well. What if he has Alzheimer’s (God forbid)? I notice the heightened state of arousal I am in, and that is a good clue I’m on to something, so I explore fear for a while. What’s the antidote to fear? Perhaps trust (bitachon - it’s not really my husband I need to trust, it is HaShem). Ah, that feels right. So I get to work on bitachon, and just the recognition alone returns me to equanimity. I remind myself that next time I lose equanimity, take a look at trust.

R. Salanter’s comment invites us to find what our soul work is about by looking at where we fall off the surfboard, what middot throw us off balance. That inner soul work is “true service to HaShem.” Keep in mind that there is no universally right answer to the question of which middah is off balance. The answer lies within, and the beauty of Mussar is that in our studies we develop practices to help go within and discover what we need. If you would like to discuss this approach or have questions, contact me at shirah@mussarinstitute.org.

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